What does "something casual" mean?

I don’t want somebody in my house.

Dear Friend,

Let’s get something out of the way: I have never really been in a relationship. My freshman year of high school, I had a boyfriend for two weeks, but by day three I already knew it wasn’t going to work out. I stuck it out for two weeks because I convinced myself that if I broke up with him any sooner than that, my peers would label me the “three-day whore” and I didn’t want that to follow me around for my remaining years of high school. In retrospect, I don’t think any of the kids I went to high school with could have come up with a nickname that good—the nickname I eventually got was “Pretty Face McBigBoobs.” But that’s a story for another day.

To date, that two-week thing in freshman year is still the longest “relationship” I’ve ever been in, and we never even kissed. The only “official” relationship I had after that lasted all of 24 hours (another story, another day). Sure, I’ve had my fair share of situation-ships (more stories, more days) but it’s pretty safe to say that I’ve never had a real adult relationship. And yet, for some reason I’ve always considered myself a relationship girlie. What’s that about?

On and off for last decade or so, I’ve been on the apps looking for a relationship. If you’re not familiar with the apps, one thing to know is that all of them (at least the once I’ve been on) have a “what are you looking for?” feature. Usually this is a checklist of options: ranging from “just friends” or “not sure” all the way up to “life partner.” For all of the time I’ve been on the apps, I’ve checked “long-term relationship.” I recently also added “short-term relationship” because, you know, I can be chill or whatever. 

There’s one option that I’ve always avoided though: the vague, unassuming, but actually incredibly stressful “something casual.” For my entire dating life, I balked at the idea of the casual relationship. It seemed like all of the drama of a relationship (is he seeing someone else? What happens if I catch feelings?) with none of the security (I still have to pay for 100% of my own rent? And attend my chaotic family functions alone?) I wanted someone who was obsessed with me (but also not too obsessed), who would be obligated to hang out with me whenever I wanted, and who I could consistently rely on to not give me an STI. It all seemed to add up to one thing: committed monogamy or nothing, baby. And guess what? Of those two options, I got the “nothing, baby” one. Over and over again. Year after year has passed, and I remain single.

(Me to the universe)

In time, I’ve been able to make some kind of peace with my singleness. I stopped feeling like my life was on pause until I met “my other half”, which, dear god, please strike me down if I ever say shit like that. I started embracing life as a single person. I decorated my home with stuff that a man would probably hate, but that I liked. I bought a couch for the rental apartment I have now, instead of the house I hoped I might go halfsies on one day. And after years of wishing I was engaged just so I could build a wedding registry and finally ask for that goddamned KitchenAid stand mixer, I said fuck it and I bought it from Best Buy for $200. It was that easy.  And now it collects dust just like the ones in the homes of my married friends.

But I’m not here to tell you that once I allowed myself to buy the mixer, everything was great—it definitely wasn’t. I went through the pandemic as a single person, which is not something I’d ever wish on someone else. I’ll spare you the bulk of the details, but suffice it to say, shit got bleak. In fact, during that time, I wanted a real relationship even more. Relationship girlie with no-priors was stronger than ever. 

I went on a handful of dates during the hardest year of the pandemic (and you’ll never believe this, but they were actually great). But once the world opened up again, I really got back on the horse. I found a therapist who was game to help me work through all my dating shit. One of the first things she asked me was “What are you looking for?” I told her what I had always known: I wanted a committed relationship. Then she asked, “What do you think might be stopping you from finding it?” And without thinking, I blurted out, “Do you know how Whoopi Goldberg said, ‘I don’t want somebody in my house’? I feel like that.” She told me got the reference, or else she lied and said she did because she knew that’s what I needed to hear. This is why I will never leave my therapist.

But she also pointed out a weird thing that I didn’t realize was happening. Half of me was telling myself that I wanted a relationship because being single is often exhausting and demoralizing. But the other half was telling myself that I could live a full life as a single person and I didn’t need a man to be happy—I can stay watching *my* shows when *I* want and tbh, I sleep better when I have the bed to myself. So for the last two years, that’s been one of our projects: figuring out how I can build that bridge between “I don’t need no man” and “honestly, having a man around might be really nice.”

I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m “putting myself out there” (we’re gonna talk about that phrase one day) and meeting more men. I go on a lot of dates and try to give these guys my best effort. I show up open and sometimes even a little excited! I recognize that any of these strangers could become something more than that.

At the same time, I recognize that as a full-time Boss Bitch Who Don’t Need No Man™, starting a relationship with a man will most likely mean major growing pains. I’ll have to deal with his probably questionable taste in TV. He might go to the gym and want me to accompany him. And what if he has a dog that he lets sleep in his bed? God, I feel sick just thinking about it. I’m not ready for that. Let’s just start with the first date and see what happens. 

When I told my therapist all of that last month, you know what she said? She said, “It sounds like you’re looking for something casual.” 

When I tell you I almost had a heart attack right there in that depressing workplace meeting room that I hide in to do therapy every other week, All I could manage to sputter out was, “what? But…what is ‘SOMETHING’?”

The weirdest thing about the dating phrase “something casual” is that there isn’t one standard definition for either the “something” or the “casual” part. 

The “casual” part might be the easier of the two, so I’ll start there. I don’t know what “casual” is, but at least I know what it isn’t. It’s not platonic, but it’s also not fully committed. It’s not rushed or heavy, but neither is it completely uncaring. But what the fuck is (or isn’t) “something”? Where do I even start with that one? Is “something” just sex? Can we watch movies? Can we hang out in the daytime? Would you listen if I told you about my life? Together, the phrase “something casual” feels impossible to define. 

What do you do when a word doesn’t have a standard definition? You decide what it means for yourself, duh. So I’ve been thinking about what my definition(s) of “something casual” could be. What are things I might be okay with? (For one, I’d LOVE sleeping in my own bed some nights). What am I definitely NOT okay with? (Stressing over why some dude isn’t texting me back). But that only covers half the equation. What does the other person want? Is that something I would consider? And how do we talk about this?

When I consider the word “something,” I think it just means “relationship.” Not capital ‘R’ relationship, but all the things that make up the way two people interact with each other. Yet that definition doesn’t offer more specificity. There are infinite ways to have a relationship. All relationships from family and friends to romantic partners and even situationships, require constant negotiation for as long as they last. Back and forth forever. And when it comes to potential partners, the negotiation is starting from the ground up. Everything is up for discussion. Can I come over? Do you tell me about your exes? Do you want me to meet your weird friend from college when he’s in town next week?

I think I’d also like to replace the phrase “something casual” with “negotiable relationship.” So what does that mean? Well, I know I don’t need a husband tomorrow. I don’t need to go from 0 to 100. Instead, I’m okay with a relationship building slowly and gradually. I can go from 0 to 1 and then from 1 to 2. (I think they call that baby steps). I can feel empowered to ask for what I want and see if the other person will meet me where I’m at. I can ask them what they want and decide if I could be open to that. Though to be clear, I will never be open to sharing a bed with a dog.

To be sure, I still want some of the things I wanted back when I was sure I was a relationship girlie. I want to feel desired. I want to have some kind of connection that goes beyond just physical. I want to text someone and feel confident that they’ll text me back. But I think everything else can be negotiable.

And I can still not want somebody in my house. At least for now.

So when the apps ask, “What are you looking for?” I know the answer. But if you have any ideas on how I can submit a write-in response to a multiple choice question, I’m all ears.

Sincerely,
Still Single 💖