This! When I met my husband, I didn't *know* the moment I saw him that he was the One. All I knew was that he was a nice, polite guy with no obvious red flags whose looks I liked and with whom I laughed a lot. He had potential to be a friend-or-more, which future dates would determine. Not everyone gets Cupid shooting them in the arse with an arrow.
Nice, polite, funny, and attractive are all great places to start. I really believe that all you need to know after date 1 is whether or not you want there to be a date 2.
I love the approach you’re choosing. I feel like folks can only say they knew because they now know they have ended up together. For instance, I will say that on my second date with my now husband I noticed how calm I was around him. I took that as a good sign. It was an energy I wanted to be near. I did not know on that second day we would be together for 18 years. So you’re right, just go after what feels good or brings you excitement or calm.
I love the idea of looking for “good signs,” especially when they’re about how YOU feel. It feels so important to be able to say things like “this person makes me feel calm or safe or desired or excited.” That can tell you so much.
I'm thinking about your earlier post where you express a bit of nostalgia for the past stage of life where a group of single or transiently attached friends were each others' main support network. Then we entered our 30s and everyone around you retreated into solitary fortresses of monogamy. And now to add insult to injury they give you these corny, confusing and demoralizing stories about sparkle and fate.
One time in my young 20s I went out to dinner with a few older relatives. My uncle was telling me about marriage, with the air of letting me in on an adult secret. He said basically that marriage is a struggle. His wife, my aunt, was quietly agreeing with him. I have no doubt then or now that they love each other and are committed to each other, and that's why I think they were comfortable talking to me like that...there was something romantic, if a bit sad, about that openness. Then another very close older relative of mine chimed in and said that she and her husband are best friends, always feel close, and never have trouble communicating. An awkward, skeptical silence followed, unusual in my constantly talking family.
I too find myself disappointed by the starry-eyed ways some people describe their romances and the opacity that surrounds their relationships as a subject of conversation. I appreciate moments of what I perceive as superior honesty, like my uncle and aunt's, or your best friend's. There is something magical and indefinable about love, romance and human connection, but it's also clearly complicated and painful at times too, like life itself. To me that's such basic conventional wisdom that the breezy "soulmate" types of comments seem frustratingly dense. Some people may not want to examine life, but clearly we both do, so here it goes.
I think people find their "person" because they need to, and they tell themselves what they need to tell themselves to make it work. The need, desire, emptiness, crippling anxiety, or whatever it is that makes people all over the world realize they can't be happy on their own and seek out connections is rarely in the exact shape to be filled perfectly by the Chad that they end up finding. I admit I feel "lucky" (a word I'm borrowing from one of your disparaging sample Instagram captions) in my relationship, because it's rough out there, and my partner is a good one, but I don't expect to have tumult, uncertainty and existential loneliness of life fully, permanently replaced by a gentle buzz of domestic bliss.
Let's say that you just couldn't stand to be alone. Then you'd go out and find whatever sort of domestic companion Chad you could get your hands on. Or lets say you lived in a state of fear that made you latch on to some Chad with strong protector vibes. Later, you and Chad would have to figure out what kind of people you really are and whether you can put up with each other. Maybe you'd even succeed. Then you'd come up with whatever story to tell yourself and the world to made it make sense. But you have too well-developed a sense of self for it to work out like that for you. I'm not sure how we can get you into a good relationship, but I am quite confident that you have what it takes to avoid the common plight of a bad relationship. I hope that is more than just cold comfort.
I really appreciate your perspective here. I think you’re right — we often tell ourselves what we want to hear (or more likely, what we want others to hear). It’s refreshing that you have family who are open about these things and can model more realistic relationships.
And thank you for that final compliment! I’ve avoided bad relationships so far and would love to keep that going. 🤞
To be honest there is some magic in the fact of meeting someone new, liking them and deciding to keep meeting them again and again despite having a huge amount of other choices or opportunities (or the illusion of).
There is also some magic in realizing that you have a lot in common with someone and you like their presence and you find them attractive and they do too, and they kinda want the same type of relationship as you do etc.
What I'm trying to say is magic, or luck, plays a part in this whole thing because well, the meeting takes luck, always. Then you have to decide to give the luck a chance and it's only afterwards, when things go well and you're very in love and happy that you realize it was luck/magic but when it happens you don't really think it's that, you just think "oh they're very cute and I love the way they speak about their parents, and these hands are beautiful" or something like that.
So I understand the magic part, even though there's not really a magical recipe to it, you just have to show up and select people who would kinda fit your standards. And then, it's all about luck, randomness, decisions, work, love.
I hear you! When you like someone and they like you back, that feels like magic for sure. After so many bad dates, going on a good one can feel electric. But that magic feels more like the smallest seed, and like you said, then comes the effort to sustain that connection. And if that happens, it feels almost better than magic, because its a result of work you put in.
“You will meet someone when you stop looking” - that was definitely not me. My now-husband was my 153rd (approx.) Tinder date. Please acknowledge all the hard work I put into meeting him! (Including spreadsheets and conversation topic note cards).
Thank you so much! It doesn’t get said enough that dating is WORK! I wish someone had told me something more along the lines of, “If you want a relationship and are serious about finding one and put in the work, it will happen.” That would have helped me so much sooner!
I remember staying with a friend and we were going out to meet the boy she thought was "the one". I asked her how she knew, and the answer felt so un-romantic. She said she'd been on so many first dates, but somehow she decided to go on a second, and third date with this guy and he just stuck around. He wasn't perfect and she wasn't either, but they chose each other. They've been married for 5 years now, and that un-romantic comment made me keep looking until I found someone I kept wanting to hang out with.
Something you point to very eloquently though, is how much magical thinking is involved in ideas like "stop looking and love will find you". This is advice we'd never give in any other arena.
Like anything though, there's a balance -- releasing magical thinking without losing the idea of finding magic and joy...just maybe not though the same tired narratives we've been force-fed.
Andrea, this was such a good read and captured so many of my feelings. Romance and dating is a tricky subject, because I'm always like damn, what am I doing wrong?! But reading this reminds me that so often people are creating unhealthy and unhelpful narratives of what dating/romance looks like even if they're not trying to.
FWIW: my wife was a year behind me in med school. She was, and is, very strikingly physically beautiful. I was aware of her. The first time I talked to her it was clunky and abrasive. I mentally labeled her as difficult. I’m sure she labeled me as another artless oaf. Later in the year, a group of 8-10 of us students went to Mexico for spring break. She and I, both single, were in that group. I do not recall speaking to her the entire trip.
Our third interaction, at a big outdoor party in a courtyard downtown: I asked if that was a pimple on her nose. She told me I was weird.
But somehow we finally went on an actual date. I refrained from commenting on any dermatological imperfections, the date went fine, turned out we had some things in common (we were both avid runners and we both liked pizza, not exactly a cosmic revelation), the heavens didn’t open up and declare “soulmate”, but there was a second date, blah blah we’ve been married 20 years with three kids.
Extract whatever lesson/meaning you like from that. But it sure took a while to find the magic.
Yes, yes yes, you have read and displayed my mind! My mom's favorite line "Love will happen when you're not searching for it "How "romantic" is that? I'm 28 now and the only single pringle in my immediate family unit and they spew the same romantic nonsense even though I see their imperfect relationships. Life is messy, that's the beauty of it. So why not tell the truth? I find that more romantic when people tell me messy and less picture-perfect stories.
Thank you for sharing this, thoroughly enjoyed and laughed internally while reading in my tiny corner at work.
Thank you so much for reading! I know exactly how you feel— I’m the single person in my family too. Sending you strength for all those family gatherings!
This has been on my mind since I read it yesterday. The amount of ordinary moments I’ve tried to turn magic simply out of thinking that’s what an initial connection is supposed to be. I never can simply run into someone at the grocery store or simply exchange hellos without thinking that that that could be THE moment. After being fed magical moments for so long, the idea of a simple meeting and simple romance seems foreign. To be honest, it is exhausting searching for this feeling all the time. Thank you for putting this into words, I’ve felt this for so long!
Nice piece. I wish you nothing but success in your dating life. I think your level-headedness about it all is refreshing and realistic. Isn't it magical just to meet someone you click with? I think so.
Great I found you , fantastic post, you’re so right , it doesn’t help with all these reality tv shows (that I love) 🤦🏻♀️ mostly being scripted. I write about dating in my 50’s , take a look at my last post DatingApp Hell, A modern nightmare, if you fancy it.
This! When I met my husband, I didn't *know* the moment I saw him that he was the One. All I knew was that he was a nice, polite guy with no obvious red flags whose looks I liked and with whom I laughed a lot. He had potential to be a friend-or-more, which future dates would determine. Not everyone gets Cupid shooting them in the arse with an arrow.
Nice, polite, funny, and attractive are all great places to start. I really believe that all you need to know after date 1 is whether or not you want there to be a date 2.
I love the approach you’re choosing. I feel like folks can only say they knew because they now know they have ended up together. For instance, I will say that on my second date with my now husband I noticed how calm I was around him. I took that as a good sign. It was an energy I wanted to be near. I did not know on that second day we would be together for 18 years. So you’re right, just go after what feels good or brings you excitement or calm.
I love the idea of looking for “good signs,” especially when they’re about how YOU feel. It feels so important to be able to say things like “this person makes me feel calm or safe or desired or excited.” That can tell you so much.
I'm thinking about your earlier post where you express a bit of nostalgia for the past stage of life where a group of single or transiently attached friends were each others' main support network. Then we entered our 30s and everyone around you retreated into solitary fortresses of monogamy. And now to add insult to injury they give you these corny, confusing and demoralizing stories about sparkle and fate.
One time in my young 20s I went out to dinner with a few older relatives. My uncle was telling me about marriage, with the air of letting me in on an adult secret. He said basically that marriage is a struggle. His wife, my aunt, was quietly agreeing with him. I have no doubt then or now that they love each other and are committed to each other, and that's why I think they were comfortable talking to me like that...there was something romantic, if a bit sad, about that openness. Then another very close older relative of mine chimed in and said that she and her husband are best friends, always feel close, and never have trouble communicating. An awkward, skeptical silence followed, unusual in my constantly talking family.
I too find myself disappointed by the starry-eyed ways some people describe their romances and the opacity that surrounds their relationships as a subject of conversation. I appreciate moments of what I perceive as superior honesty, like my uncle and aunt's, or your best friend's. There is something magical and indefinable about love, romance and human connection, but it's also clearly complicated and painful at times too, like life itself. To me that's such basic conventional wisdom that the breezy "soulmate" types of comments seem frustratingly dense. Some people may not want to examine life, but clearly we both do, so here it goes.
I think people find their "person" because they need to, and they tell themselves what they need to tell themselves to make it work. The need, desire, emptiness, crippling anxiety, or whatever it is that makes people all over the world realize they can't be happy on their own and seek out connections is rarely in the exact shape to be filled perfectly by the Chad that they end up finding. I admit I feel "lucky" (a word I'm borrowing from one of your disparaging sample Instagram captions) in my relationship, because it's rough out there, and my partner is a good one, but I don't expect to have tumult, uncertainty and existential loneliness of life fully, permanently replaced by a gentle buzz of domestic bliss.
Let's say that you just couldn't stand to be alone. Then you'd go out and find whatever sort of domestic companion Chad you could get your hands on. Or lets say you lived in a state of fear that made you latch on to some Chad with strong protector vibes. Later, you and Chad would have to figure out what kind of people you really are and whether you can put up with each other. Maybe you'd even succeed. Then you'd come up with whatever story to tell yourself and the world to made it make sense. But you have too well-developed a sense of self for it to work out like that for you. I'm not sure how we can get you into a good relationship, but I am quite confident that you have what it takes to avoid the common plight of a bad relationship. I hope that is more than just cold comfort.
I really appreciate your perspective here. I think you’re right — we often tell ourselves what we want to hear (or more likely, what we want others to hear). It’s refreshing that you have family who are open about these things and can model more realistic relationships.
And thank you for that final compliment! I’ve avoided bad relationships so far and would love to keep that going. 🤞
Can't resist adding due to the relevance to this substack: this aunt and uncle met on the apps: Match.com, early 2000s, both boomer divorcees.
To be honest there is some magic in the fact of meeting someone new, liking them and deciding to keep meeting them again and again despite having a huge amount of other choices or opportunities (or the illusion of).
There is also some magic in realizing that you have a lot in common with someone and you like their presence and you find them attractive and they do too, and they kinda want the same type of relationship as you do etc.
What I'm trying to say is magic, or luck, plays a part in this whole thing because well, the meeting takes luck, always. Then you have to decide to give the luck a chance and it's only afterwards, when things go well and you're very in love and happy that you realize it was luck/magic but when it happens you don't really think it's that, you just think "oh they're very cute and I love the way they speak about their parents, and these hands are beautiful" or something like that.
So I understand the magic part, even though there's not really a magical recipe to it, you just have to show up and select people who would kinda fit your standards. And then, it's all about luck, randomness, decisions, work, love.
I hear you! When you like someone and they like you back, that feels like magic for sure. After so many bad dates, going on a good one can feel electric. But that magic feels more like the smallest seed, and like you said, then comes the effort to sustain that connection. And if that happens, it feels almost better than magic, because its a result of work you put in.
“You will meet someone when you stop looking” - that was definitely not me. My now-husband was my 153rd (approx.) Tinder date. Please acknowledge all the hard work I put into meeting him! (Including spreadsheets and conversation topic note cards).
Lovely piece!
Thank you so much! It doesn’t get said enough that dating is WORK! I wish someone had told me something more along the lines of, “If you want a relationship and are serious about finding one and put in the work, it will happen.” That would have helped me so much sooner!
I remember staying with a friend and we were going out to meet the boy she thought was "the one". I asked her how she knew, and the answer felt so un-romantic. She said she'd been on so many first dates, but somehow she decided to go on a second, and third date with this guy and he just stuck around. He wasn't perfect and she wasn't either, but they chose each other. They've been married for 5 years now, and that un-romantic comment made me keep looking until I found someone I kept wanting to hang out with.
That’s so sweet. Just find someone you want to keep hanging out with. 💖
Reciprocity IS magic! And the most enduring kind at that.
The very first thing I wrote on substack was all about the bad dating advice I've been given, which matches up a LOT with what you listed! 😆 https://emergencycontacts.substack.com/seek-and-find
Something you point to very eloquently though, is how much magical thinking is involved in ideas like "stop looking and love will find you". This is advice we'd never give in any other arena.
Like anything though, there's a balance -- releasing magical thinking without losing the idea of finding magic and joy...just maybe not though the same tired narratives we've been force-fed.
Andrea, this was such a good read and captured so many of my feelings. Romance and dating is a tricky subject, because I'm always like damn, what am I doing wrong?! But reading this reminds me that so often people are creating unhealthy and unhelpful narratives of what dating/romance looks like even if they're not trying to.
Thank you for this!
FWIW: my wife was a year behind me in med school. She was, and is, very strikingly physically beautiful. I was aware of her. The first time I talked to her it was clunky and abrasive. I mentally labeled her as difficult. I’m sure she labeled me as another artless oaf. Later in the year, a group of 8-10 of us students went to Mexico for spring break. She and I, both single, were in that group. I do not recall speaking to her the entire trip.
Our third interaction, at a big outdoor party in a courtyard downtown: I asked if that was a pimple on her nose. She told me I was weird.
But somehow we finally went on an actual date. I refrained from commenting on any dermatological imperfections, the date went fine, turned out we had some things in common (we were both avid runners and we both liked pizza, not exactly a cosmic revelation), the heavens didn’t open up and declare “soulmate”, but there was a second date, blah blah we’ve been married 20 years with three kids.
Extract whatever lesson/meaning you like from that. But it sure took a while to find the magic.
Yes, yes yes, you have read and displayed my mind! My mom's favorite line "Love will happen when you're not searching for it "How "romantic" is that? I'm 28 now and the only single pringle in my immediate family unit and they spew the same romantic nonsense even though I see their imperfect relationships. Life is messy, that's the beauty of it. So why not tell the truth? I find that more romantic when people tell me messy and less picture-perfect stories.
Thank you for sharing this, thoroughly enjoyed and laughed internally while reading in my tiny corner at work.
Thank you so much for reading! I know exactly how you feel— I’m the single person in my family too. Sending you strength for all those family gatherings!
This has been on my mind since I read it yesterday. The amount of ordinary moments I’ve tried to turn magic simply out of thinking that’s what an initial connection is supposed to be. I never can simply run into someone at the grocery store or simply exchange hellos without thinking that that that could be THE moment. After being fed magical moments for so long, the idea of a simple meeting and simple romance seems foreign. To be honest, it is exhausting searching for this feeling all the time. Thank you for putting this into words, I’ve felt this for so long!
You’re not alone! Looking for magic can feel so exhausting and sad. I hope you can pursue that wonder in other ways that feel more nourishing.
inject this into my veins, im so serious
https://justaplacebo.substack.com/p/just-a-dream
Nice piece. I wish you nothing but success in your dating life. I think your level-headedness about it all is refreshing and realistic. Isn't it magical just to meet someone you click with? I think so.
Great I found you , fantastic post, you’re so right , it doesn’t help with all these reality tv shows (that I love) 🤦🏻♀️ mostly being scripted. I write about dating in my 50’s , take a look at my last post DatingApp Hell, A modern nightmare, if you fancy it.